He Made a Funny Noise at Me
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
What noise does a ceiling fan make?
GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!
You aren't a monk.
A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
My young daughter asked me this morning....
My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.
Technology has ruined our kids
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.
For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.
My car started making this whining noise...
So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.
Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.
This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-Nazis?
It's all just white noise.
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
You can explore noise earplugs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean noise louder dad jokes. There are also noise puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A caring son
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "
"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "
"Under the wagon. "
The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
- from MASH
A little girl asks her grandad...
"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".
Graveyard shortcut
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
A man and his wife are having sex...
...They are going at it hot and heavy, and suddenly they hear a noise. It's their son, little Timmy, standing in the doorway. Shocked, Timmy runs back to his room.
The father goes, "I'll go talk to Timmy."
So he goes to Timmy's room and opens the door; there, he sees Timmy's giving it hot and heavy to grandma!
The father, disturbed, says, "O my god!"
Timmy goes, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Airline Safety
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"
Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?
White noise
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.
I told my black coworker that I like to go to sleep listening to white noise. He said "Why does it gotta be white noise with you people?"
I said because I can't go to sleep listening to rap music and gunshots.
I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.
So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.
How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?
If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.
I finally stopped the annoying noise in my car.
I just opened the door and shoved her out.
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...
...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?
A cow.
I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.
But i can still hear her.
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...
but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."
Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.
People are like drums...
If you hit them with a stick, they will make noise.
What noise does a aeroplane make when it bounces?
Boeing
A woman on her period is like a chainsaw
yank on the string and she'll make alot of noise
This kid is dragging a chain down the road
and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"
I listen to Justin Bieber when working...
White noise helps me focus.
I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom
turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.
I opened the door and pushed her out.
Beethoven to his audience:
Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony
Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you
I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....
It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.
What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?
Boeing
A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...
It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"
how do you catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.
My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...
"For goodness sake, keep it down!"
Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep
Fox News seemed to do the trick.
Did you know that dogs have certain accents based on the countries their from?
For example, in Korea, they make a sizzling noise
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Me: *falls down
Mom: What was that noise?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: Sounded way to heavy to be a shirt
Me: I was in it when it fell
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...
Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.
3 reasons why my parents are bad at hide and seek.
1. They always hide in their bedroom.
2. They make too much noise.
3. my dad takes a pill that makes him think he is invisible and proceeds to take off his clothes
A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .
He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."
A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside
So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the hell are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
My daughters fall asleep to white noise.
So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.
A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.
I've been farting a lot lately, doc, says the man. I've actually farted ten times since I've been in here. But they don't make any noise and they don't smell. Can you help me?
The doctor says, I think I see the problem. I'm going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take it and then come back and see me next week.
One week later, the man returns to the doctor's office. What did that medicine do to me, doc?! My farts smell horrible now!
The doctor says, Well, it looks like that medicine cleaned up your sinuses. Now let's get you a hearing aid.
I purchased some noise canceling headphones...
I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.
Little girl goes to her grandpa..
"Grandpa, make a noise like a frog."
Grandpa asks, "why?"
"Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.
My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."
Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.
I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?
Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.
I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.
It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....
I am never flying economy again.
So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.
They now have to use a low ha
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams
"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"
"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other night I dreamt of the christian heaven. It was the perfect neighbourhood, every house was impeccable, with well-kept lawns and streets!"
"And how were the people?" asks the priest
"People?"
So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho
So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho
A man breaks into a wealthy persons house
He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise
"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"
I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee
And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Boy talking to Grandpa.
Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?
Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?
Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak..
This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me
She's way too overprotective of her cereal
My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.
All i can do is a low ha.
A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section
'Your Macbooks aren't breaking are they?' mused the slightly concerned customer.
The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.
'Don't worry, it's just a Dell.'
A man has serious a Gas Problem.
Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.
Then added " i have farted 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.
After 2 weeks, he came to visit the doctor, saying that the medicine solved one problem. Everytime he farts, it has a serious bad smell, but still no noise. Your medicine didn't work
Then the doctor said, " medicine did worked it solved your nose problem, now i am prescribing new medicine for your hearing problem"
I have a friend who does the best ever seagull impression.
He can't do the noise, he just nicks your chips and shits on your car.
I was at the zoo's aquatic exhibit, staring at the lone dolphin and pondering that I couldn't remember what noise they make.
Then it clicked.
What noise does an extractor fan make?
"I used to like tractors."
What kind of noise does a train make?
A low commotion.
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in apple trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating apples
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
Source: https://jokojokes.com/noise-jokes.html
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